di pa siguro bukas.

di pa rin ngayon.

malay mo balang araw

dumating din yon.

my mom and i translated this song together when i was maybe thirteen/fourteen. it’s still as beautiful as it was then. the lyrics are heartachingly hopeful. i remember reading the translation straight through for the very first time and thinking to myself that this will never be me…

**i just had the terrifying realization that it’s always been me.

“Only once in your life, I truly believe, you find someone who can completely turn your world around. You tell them things that you’ve never shared with another soul and they absorb everything you say and actually want to hear more. You share hopes for the future, dreams that will never come true, goals that were never achieved and the many disappointments life has thrown at you. When something wonderful happens, you can’t wait to tell them about it, knowing they will share in your excitement. They are not embarrassed to cry with you when you are hurting or laugh with you when you make a fool of yourself. Never do they hurt your feelings or make you feel like you are not good enough, but rather they build you up and show you the things about yourself that make you special and even beautiful. There is never any pressure, jealousy or competition but only a quiet calmness when they are around. You can be yourself and not worry about what they will think of you because they love you for who you are. The things that seem insignificant to most people such as a note, song or walk become invaluable treasures kept safe in your heart to cherish forever. Memories of your childhood come back and are so clear and vivid it’s like being young again. Colours seem brighter and more brilliant. Laughter seems part of daily life where before it was infrequent or didn’t exist at all. A phone call or two during the day helps to get you through a long day’s work and always brings a smile to your face. In their presence, there’s no need for continuous conversation, but you find you’re quite content in just having them nearby. Things that never interested you before become fascinating because you know they are important to this person who is so special to you. You think of this person on every occasion and in everything you do. Simple things bring them to mind like a pale blue sky, gentle wind or even a storm cloud on the horizon. You open your heart knowing that there’s a chance it may be broken one day and in opening your heart, you experience a love and joy that you never dreamed possible. You find that being vulnerable is the only way to allow your heart to feel true pleasure that’s so real it scares you. You find strength in knowing you have a true friend and possibly a soul mate who will remain loyal to the end. Life seems completely different, exciting and worthwhile. Your only hope and security is in knowing that they are a part of your life.”
— Bob Marley

“You may not be her first, her last, or her only. She loved before she may love again. But if she loves you now, what else matters? She’s not perfect - you aren’t either, and the two of you may never be perfect together but if she can make you laugh, cause you to think twice, and admit to being human and making mistakes, hold onto her and give her the most you can. She may not be thinking about you every second of the day, but she will give you a part of her that she knows you can break - her heart. So don’t hurt her, don’t change her, don’t analyze and don’t expect more than she can give. Smile when she makes you happy, let her know when she makes you mad, and miss her when she’s not there.”
— Bob Marley

even cynics need to hope for something more.

i could go on&on about how different you are from any other guy i’ve ever met. you’re patient and understanding. you’re actually interested in what i’ve got to say. you care about what i’ve got to offer instead of what you can take from me. you treat me like a human being. i find myself still amazed as i was when i first met you. that’s the main reason for the random smiles. instead of trying to change me, you accept me for my faults and weaknesses & you don’t try to take advantage of my faults and weaknesses. yes. you know it as well as i do (&as well as everyone else in my life). you’re just that close to perfect.

however.

there’s one thing you share with those ‘other guys’ that i’m not quite sure how to ascertain. the most bothering part about this is that now i’m starting to doubt myself (as has mostly been the case.) the fact is, i’m beginning to feel bad, even slightly embarassed, about my feelings for you.  i know i’ve regretted hatred before, but happiness? i know it doesn’t make much sense, but i’m actually starting to question whether or not it’s right for me to smile this much. you’re not helping. at all. you don’t give any indication that these feelings are being reciprocated. i honestly feel stupid. i know i’m really good at making people feel good, making them feel wanted. but i like to feel good. i like to feel wanted too. it doesn’t happen too often. &even feeling like THIS just reminds me of how selfish i’m probably being.

yeah. you’re that close to perfect.

but you’re also just that close to becoming like some other guy.

i know you don’t owe me anything, but please

please please please please please please

pleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleaseplease….

don’t make me regret this.

Day Ten: One confession.

1. you scare me.

Day Nine: Two smileys that describe your life right now.

1. (:
2. -_-

Day Eight: Three turn ons.

1. random smiles.
2. random acts of kindness.
3. random conversations.

Day Seven: Four turn offs.

1. chewing with your mouth open.
2. whining.
3. self-pity.
4. unfounded confidence.

Day Six: Five people who mean a lot (in no order whatsoever)

1. i can barely
2. think of
3. five people
4. who don’t
5. mean a lot.

everyone matters.

Day Five: Six things you wish you’d never done.

1. learning how to hate.
2. missing out on a rounded college experience.
3. underestimating my emotions.
4. pushing people away.
5. thinking schooling is the only source of education.
6. not saying goodbye to you when i had the chance.